Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Tabloid update: "Clinton Heart Transplant"

Just when the National Enquirer is accepted into the Pulitzer Prize competition for its John Edwards reporting and you start to think you can believe what you read in the tabloids, the Globe goes and splashes its front page with a headline screaming, "Clinton Heart Transplant!"

The story is completely bogus and we wouldn't even bother to tell you about it, except that you know as well as we do that you Googled for it and now you're here.

Welcome. We won't disappoint you.

"Frantic search for donor!" the cover announces, "Bill's secret battle to stay alive!"

As a matter of fact, there is a picture of Hillary Clinton inside with a rolled-up newspaper in her hands.

But it's nothing the Secret Service can't handle.

No, former President Clinton is not in need of a heart transplant. The Globe reports that he's told friends he's "terrified he has less than two years to live" unless he gets one, but the Globe says "it probably wouldn't solve his cardiovascular problems."

The president's doctors concur with the Globe.

President Clinton recently underwent a procedure to put stents in his arteries, and without getting into a lot of medical detail, there's nothing wrong with his heart.

Nothing that Mrs. Clinton can't fix with a rolled-up newspaper.

Still, the Globe reports that the former president has asked his aides to look into the possibility of a heart transplant, overseas if necessary.

"Bill has friends in high places all over the world and knows he can get a new heart," someone identified as a friend told the Globe, "Even though his wife Hillary and his doctors have all told him he doesn't need to take such a radical step, he won't give up."

Well, we feel for him. He's had a terrible scare. You see things in a hospital that make Stephen King look like Mother Goose.

Hang in there, Mr. President. Things wouldn't be the same around here without the Big Watermelon.


Copyright 2010

Editor's note: Catch up on your tabloid reading with "Clinton! Parkinson's! Michelle! Baby Tragedy!" and "Clinton Only 1 Year to Live!"

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

How John Galt could have helped Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods made his first public appearance yesterday since the not-quite-Norman-Rockwell Thanksgiving that revealed all the trouble. It was painful to watch.

Using language of self-abasing humility, he proudly made it known that he employs a lot of people, creates a lot of wealth, and helps millions of children.

"To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever," Woods said. "From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues."

The world's greatest golfer stood rigidly at the podium and spoke as if his neck was in a vise. "For all that I have done, I am so sorry," he said. "It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do."

He sure does.

He needs help from Ayn Rand.

"I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in," Tiger said on Friday.

Did he?

"Altruism," Ayn Rand explained to Playboy magazine in 1964, "is a moral system which holds that man has no right to exist for his own sake, that service to others is the sole justification of his existence, and that self-sacrifice is his highest moral duty, value and virtue."

The novelist and philosopher advocated a different moral system: "a nonmystical, nonaltruistic, rational code of ethics -- a morality which holds that man is not a sacrificial animal, that he has the right to exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others, nor others to himself."

This is an excerpt from the Playboy interview:

PLAYBOY: You are sharply critical of the world as you see it today, and your books offer radical proposals for changing not merely the shape of society, but the very way in which most men work, think and love. Are you optimistic about man's future?

RAND: Yes, I am optimistic....Look around you and look at history. You will see the achievements of man's mind. You will see man's unlimited potentiality for greatness, and the faculty that makes it possible. You will see that man is not a helpless monster by nature, but he becomes one when he discards that faculty: his mind. And if you ask me, what is greatness? -- I will answer, it is the capacity to live by the three fundamental values of John Galt: reason, purpose, self-esteem.
If John Galt, the hero of Ayn Rand's 1957 masterwork, Atlas Shrugged, had visited Tiger Woods, he might have told the golfer that he has split himself in two: living by the values of reason, purpose and self-esteem in his professional life but abandoning those values in his personal life, with predictable results in both cases.

From the Playboy interview, this is Ayn Rand on the value of reason:

"Reason is man's tool of knowledge, the faculty that enables him to perceive the facts of reality. To act rationally means to act in accordance with the facts of reality. Emotions are not tools of cognition. What you feel tells you nothing about the facts; it merely tells you something about your estimate of the facts. Emotions are the result of your value judgments; they are caused by your basic premises, which you may hold consciously or subconsciously, which may be right or wrong. A whim is an emotion whose cause you neither know nor care to discover. Now what does it mean, to act on whim? It means that a man acts like a zombie, without any knowledge of what he deals with, what he wants to accomplish, or what motivates him. It means that a man acts in a state of temporary insanity."

On the value of purpose:

"The man without a purpose is a man who drifts at the mercy of random feelings or unidentified urges and is capable of any evil, because he is totally out of control of his own life. In order to be in control of your life, you have to have a purpose -- a productive purpose....A central purpose serves to integrate all the other concerns of a man's life. It establishes the hierarchy, the relative importance, of his values, it saves him from pointless inner conflicts, it permits him to enjoy life on a wide scale and to carry that enjoyment into any area open to his mind; whereas a man without a purpose is lost in chaos. He does not know what his values are. He does not know how to judge. He cannot tell what is or is not important to him, and, therefore, he drifts helplessly at the mercy of any chance stimulus or any whim of the moment. He can enjoy nothing. He spends his life searching for some value which he will never find."

On the value of self-esteem [elaborating on her view that the kind of man who spends his time running after women is a man who "despises himself"]:

"This type of man is reversing cause and effect in regard to sex. Sex is an expression of a man's self-esteem, of his own self-value. But the man who does not value himself tries to reverse this process. He tries to derive his self-esteem from his sexual conquests, which cannot be done. He cannot acquire his own value from the number of women who regard him as valuable. Yet that is the hopeless thing which he attempts."

If Ayn Rand's hero had paid a visit to Tiger Woods, he might have explained to him that his accomplishments on the golf course were only possible because he used reason to assess the facts of reality and apply his rational mind to the challenges of the game, because it was his purpose to become the greatest golfer of all time, and because he regarded himself as equal to the task.

John Galt might have explained to Tiger that the failures in his personal life resulted from his attempt to fake reality and portray himself as a perfect, people-pleasing fantasy figure, when in fact he was unhappy and adrift, loathing himself for failing to live up to the fake reality he created.

John Galt might have advised Tiger to close his foundation, give up his endorsement deals, divorce his wife and get back on the golf course. "I am who I am," the script might have read. "It was a mistake to mislead you for the sake of selling products and funding scholarships."

The reaction to that speech might have been: "Don't close the foundation! We need you! We love you! All is forgiven!"

The truth would set him free.

Instead, he's going to attempt to regain the fake reality through a public display of therapy, religion, marriage counseling, and philanthropy.

"I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again," Tiger wept.

Believe -- the word itself tells you that he's faking it.

In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand has some interesting thoughts on what she called, "The Meaning of Sex":

"The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think -- for the same reason -- that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you -- just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself....

"Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values -- and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to values, but in response to flaws -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure. Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex -- nothing but shame...."

Ayn Rand diagnosed Tiger Woods pretty well, didn't she?

You should see what she says about Barack Obama.


Copyright 2010

Editor's note: You might be interested in the previous post, "Decoding Don Draper."

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"Dead you know."

"Did you hear this one," legendary comedian Stan Laurel wrote to a friend in 1963, "Two Englishmen: 'Heard you buried your wife last week.' 'Oh yes. Had to -- dead you know.'"

Not everyone is so matter-of-fact in the face of bad news.

"It can't be dead, it shouldn't be dead, and I'm presuming won't be dead," Democratic pollster and strategist Stanley Greenberg told an audience on Wednesday, speaking of the health care reform bill.

"No, no, it's resting, look!"

"Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now."

"No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting."


President Obama has invited congressional leaders of both parties to a televised health care summit on February 25. "Let's put the best ideas on the table," he said.

"Remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?"

"The plumage don't enter into it - it's stone dead."

"No, no - it's just resting."


Politico reported today that nine Democratic senators have signed a letter asking Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid "to bring the public option back up for a vote."

"It's bleeding demised."

"It's not, it's pining."

"It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot."


"The Senate has an obligation to reform our unworkable health insurance market -- both to reduce costs and to give consumers more choices," Colorado Democratic Senator Michael Bennet wrote in his letter to Majority Leader Reid, "A strong public option is the best way to deliver on both of these goals, and we urge its consideration under reconciliation rules."

'Reconciliation' is an arcane Senate procedure invented for passing budget bills without permitting filibusters. It can only be used to pass measures that relate directly to the federal budget. A provision requiring coverage for pre-existing conditions, for example, wouldn't qualify.

"A reconciliation bill won't work," Politico reported, quoting Lawrence O'Donnell, who was staff director of the Democratic Senate Finance Committee during the '93-'94 health care debate. "When people talk about its 51-vote threshold they're forgetting that is just the final vote. Every day the bill is on the floor it will face 60-vote procedural hurdles. For instance, should Republicans challenge a provision's inclusion and get a favorable ruling from the parliamentarian, without 60 votes, Democrats will be unable to overturn it – leading to a bill that looks more like Swiss cheese than health reform."

O'Donnell said the health care bill went into its "death throes" when House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, "We don't have the votes for passing the Senate bill."

"That should have just ended it," O'Donnell said. "Any discussion of another scenario is juvenile. It's ridiculous."

Since Election Night in Massachusetts, O'Donnell told Politico, Democrats have moved into "full bluff mode" in order to keep their liberal base from going "bonkers."

"If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies."

"We need to take our time" getting to a final health care bill, President Obama told donors and supporters of Organizing for America, his former campaign operation. He said a pause will allow "everybody to get the real facts."

We've got them, thanks.

"This is an ex-parrot!"


Copyright 2010

Source note: The Dead Parrot Sketch is of course from Monty Python's Flying Circus, available on DVD from Amazon.com.

Editor's note: You might be interested in the previous America Wants To Know posts on health care reform:

Insanity
Tom Daschle: Done
Step right up to see the Amazing Health Care Reform!
Just kill it
Gazing into the future
Bad at math
Yes we can and no we won't
The big half truth
The right to kill health care reform
The secret health plan
The midnight sausage factory
Why health care reform will fail
History, and history
Predicting slavery
Health Care Reform Dinner Theater
Punch Lines

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

We turn casting director

Ordinarily, America Wants To Know doesn't dabble in show business, but we would like to send an open letter to actor Jimmy Smits:



Cookie, baby, sweetheart, you've just got to buy the film rights to this guy's story:



That's Israeli cult leader Goel Ratzon. He's sitting in the Tel Aviv Magistrate's Court, where he's in some trouble for having 21 wives.

Don't you love these Valentine's Day feature stories?

Goel Ratzon is facing charges of rape, sodomy, enslavement and sexual abuse within his family. He disputes the rape charge. "Stroking" minors does not constitute rape, he explained to the court.

It's nice that Bill Clinton's defense lawyers found work again.

According to the indictment, Goel Ratzon kept peace in the family with strict rules, enforced by financial penalties. The fine was 100 shekels for questioning another wife about her whereabouts, 2,000 shekels for catfights, and 200 shekels for "talking nonsense."

This story has blockbuster written all over it.

And don't miss the surprise ending, when Tiger Woods buys the Gaza Strip and converts to Judaism.


Copyright 2010

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