Tabloid update: "What Laura's Hiding!"
Have you been to the supermarket this week? The Globe tabloid is almost vibrating in its news racks, that's how excited it is to have the scoop on former first lady Laura Bush's long-awaited memoir.
Now we'll find out, the cover teases, about "Bush suicide fears," and "His 'other' woman" and their "Bitter divorce deal."
Ever since 2007, when the Globe reported that Laura Bush was keeping a "secret divorce diary" for a tell-all memoir that would "expose the painful truth" about her husband's drinking and cheating, the tabloid has been waiting for the day when the whole sordid story would finally come out.
Sorry to disappoint you, but the day has not yet come.
"Former First Lady Laura Bush was paid a whopping $2 million to pen a memoir of her White House years," the Globe complains, "but the biggest shockers are the sizzling secrets she WON'T be revealing in the new book."
Laura Bush: Spoken from the Heart is due out on May 4, and "insiders say" it will be "a whitewash," the Globe reports. Mrs. Bush gave in to her husband's begging and pleading and agreed "not to include any hint that their marriage collapsed while they were in the White House."
The Globe says Mr. Bush bought his wife a $2 million home in suburban Dallas and she lives in it alone, while he spends most of his time at the Crawford ranch.
The tabloid first reported in October of 2008 that the Bushes had reached a "super-secret pact" to end their marriage. A big house in Dallas was part of the deal.
But there's nothing in the former first lady's book about that, the Globe's sources say. There's nothing about the time she "stormed out of the White House and spent the night in Washington's Mayflower Hotel after a nasty confrontation."
Nothing about the "out-of-control boozing."
Nothing about "George's passionate fixation with his Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice."
Nothing about the time Mrs. Bush moved out of the White House for several weeks because of her husband's drinking and "refusal to address the troubles in their marriage."
And nothing about "the tragic incident that still haunts Laura to this day when she killed her high school sweetheart in a car wreck."
Come on, you have to cut somewhere.
There are a couple of details in the Globe's story that we haven't heard before.
"Over the years, Laura's mistrust of George and bitterness toward Condi mushroomed," the tabloid reports, quoting an insider. "To this day, Laura hates Condi for not putting the rumors to rest one way or the other."
The Globe says Mrs. Bush confronted Secretary Rice several times and "never got a good answer from her."
Yes, "We thought Saddam had weapons of mass destruction" is what she tells everybody.
Today the Bushes' marriage is over in all but name, the Globe says. They're staying together "just for show," and on those occasions when they do sleep under the same roof, "sources say they sleep in separate bedrooms and go days without speaking."
But Mrs. Bush finally decided not to write about "the fights and jealousies and suspicions," much to the relief of her husband. Friends told the Globe they feared the former president was suicidal at the thought of his wife revealing their secrets, and when she promised not to embarrass him, "he appeared to calm down."
Of course, he's not out of the woods yet.
Condoleezza Rice signed with the William Morris Agency and has a three-book deal.
The George W. Bush Library could be the second presidential library with an "Adults Only" section.
Editor's note: Catch up on your tabloid reading with "Laura Gets $15M Divorce Payoff" (2008),"Laura's Secret Divorce Diary" (2007), "Bush Marital Turmoil" (2007), "Laura Claws Boozing Bush" (2008), and "All right, let's dish." (2006).